TiME
16/September/08 19:10 Filed in: tHOUGHTZ
I remember this painful boredom that used to overcome me when I was younger, on sunday afternoons when everybody was just hanging around at home waiting for blue monday to come. The boredom I realize nowadays isn’t the same, it’s not that I sit around desperately trying to think of things I could do. It’s the other way around. I can’t decide of all the things jumping around in my head what to do first and how to achieve satisfaction of it.
I wanted to become more calm, take things easier and gear down a little. Destress. But why is calmness always so closely linked to lazyness ? Where is the border between sitting relaxed in a chair taking your mind of the busy day that lies behind you and this sleepy lying on the couch staring into space.
Sitting in the office I find myself so often with an idea in my head for me to do after work. I look forward to going home that night, knowing exactly that this is what I want to do. But by the time I put the key in the door, take of my jacket and sit down all energy is gone. Of course I can force myself to get up again and cook dinner, read a little or send an email. But that’s it. Why is it so hard to focus on something you know will be good for you, you know you will feel better if you just move and DO iT ! The paradox thought to that is, that if I don’t get my backside up again and do at least something useful I feel destressed inside, being angry with myself. I can’t find relaxation and I’m dissatisfied when I go to bed. I feel even worse the next day at work, next week, next year. So much time flying pass us without being used. The real question is though - am I putting to much pressure on myself ? Do I put too many little ideas in my head of how to use time more effectively ? Would I be more relaxed if I would just chill and don’t expect me to DO more and BE up and busy ? Where do those ideas come from that make my head go crazy when I put up my feet on the sofa ?
I remember the times when I was teaching part time while I was working full time. There was no spare time left, nothing else to do after work but work. Or sleep but even that was limited to the minimum. I knew that when the teaching was over, I would read so many books, I would get back in touch with people, I would have time to make little birthday or Christmas presents. When the term was over and all classes finished I was bored of not knowing of what to do first of all those things, of being too lazy to do stuff. How could that be after I had the energy to prepare my lectures after an eight hour day at work ?
Do we only function when we are under pressure ? Why do we need stress to get things done ? Will we ever be able to destress again ?
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